Change will not come if we wait for some other person or some other time. We are the ones for which we have been waiting. We are the change that we seek. - Barack Obama
I walked down the humid, dank hallway of the apartment complex and made my way to the car in silence.
I was on the way to the airport, and I had a lot of thinking to do.
To say I was conflicted was the understatement of the year.
I had spent the last few days feeling- finally feeling something.
After moving listlessly- FOR MONTHS- through the city that never slept more asleep than awake and actively avoiding my thoughts, I now sat with eyes wide open and on the verge of disrupting my entire life. An old friend had emerged from the shadows to greet me and to take me into what was next.
Hope.
My thirties were characterized by a funky mambo, a weird dance between me and my choices, our close embrace moving at a frenetic pace to the melody of life. I felt myself dragged to and from, towards total independence for two steps and then guided smoothly back three steps in the direction of a trad wife life. I was going through the motions trying to decide between what I felt I should do and doing what I needed to do to survive.
In this moment of conflict, I chose to sit still.
An unplanned layover at Ohare forced me to hunker down overnight at the airport Marriott, and I sat with my thoughts alone in the dark.
At that moment I knew what my choice would have to be.
I had to choose me.
I have revisited that moment many times over the last ten years, because it was at that moment I started to internalize my own strategy for decision making. Since then, I have honed my personal process for strategically making choices big or small, decisions that could alter the current state of my life indefinitely.
Today I share this strategy with you.
Here are five ways to systematically support thoughtful choices when you are unsure what to do:
Find solitude.
Our current existence is driven by distraction. We are in codependent relationships with our devices and Zoom is our jealous partner. Pursuing a life free from rings, pings and tones makes you the odd woman out. But have you ever tried to plan something SERIOUS with little time and too many distractions? It is nearly impossible. If you find yourself in a space where life is staring you in the face and time is ticking, remove yourself as best as you can from everything.
Log out, silence your phone, turn off the TV and go outside. Get fresh air.
Sit in the back of the coffee shop and people watch. Be alone. If you have ever been in the company of people who are not like you, then you know that it is possible to be and feel alone with people around. Use this strategy to cut out the noise in your head and the external forces that taint your higher-level introspection.
In this presentation, Keisha discusses the role of mentors, coaches, and sponsors in your career and how they support your professional journey. Similarly, once can leverage their personal support system to gain context, receive guidance and to get advice. Some of the best counseling I have received has been free! from mentors twenty plus years my senior (and junior!!) who want the best for me. I also regularly consult with my parents to get their “hypothetical” advice on scenarios impacting me at work, with friendships or with life in general. Do not count out those around you as sources of clarity when things get messy.
Why are you trying to reinvent the wheel? Guaranteed someone somewhere has faced a similar situation to the one stressing you out right now. When I find myself stuck and befuddled, I try to step outside of my feelings as I can, to deal with the situation objectively, like an academic.
I research. I get on the internet, I read articles, find blogs, scan magazine articles, look for podcasts. I bombard myself with information and compare the competing opinions to help me support or reject my own. There are way too many people walking around uninformed believing that what they think is gospel, when in reality they suffer from Wrong and Strong Syndrome.
Do not be that person. Pick up a book, get on the internet, ask ChatGPT. Read a book.
Fuel your body.
I am a winner of a lifetime subscription to an autoimmune condition, so my daily actions revolve around what I eat or drink. Since my diagnosis, I have become very aware of the importance of eating pure foods and have learned how much a garbage diet can derail my health and wellbeing.
Choosing gummy bears (my favorite) and fruit juice instead of fruit and water can make the difference between a good night’s sleep and 2 AM flare up of joint pain. Similarly, skipping a heavy greasy breakfast and choosing to drink a fruit smoothie instead can give you energy, mental clarity, and a settled stomach instead of feeling lethargic, daft and nauseas by 10AM. So, choose wisely. Fruit and vegetables can be sourced for cheap from farmers markets or your local ALDI store. Pack your meals at night or early in the morning before work. Take Stanley full of seltzer to the office with you and freeze grapes overnight for an awesome midday snack.
Your body (and your backside) will thank you.
Master your emotional self.
In chapter one of Robert Greene’s book The Laws of Human Nature, he tells the story of Pericles, whose leadership of Athens was characterized by restraint, logic, and wisdom. His patient and insightful decision making bolstered the city’s wealth and power, and under his rule, the empire flourished. Ater his death however, the people of Athen’s, battle worn from a long siege with Sparta, determined that might was right and a return to plundering and force was the best way to end the conflict with their neighbors once and for all.
“What guided their decisions was their base emotions- hunger for power, attention, and money. And for those purposes they could be very tactical and cleaver, but none of their maneuvers led to anything that lasted or served the overall interests of democracy.”
Greene goes on to describe how Pericles leveraged a respect for intelligent decision making and became known as a rational man who valued “meaning and order.” He tapped into the spirit of Athena, the goddess who “stood for rationality, the greatest gift of the gods to mortals, for it alone could make a human act with divine wisdom.”
In turn, Pericles became the master of his emotions, training himself to “never make a decision while under the influence of a strong emotion. Instead, he analyzed his feelings. Usually when he looked closely at his insecurities or his anger, he saw that they were not really justified….”
This introspection and later his choice to leverage solitude for deep thought cultivated a morality and value system in him based on his love for the Athenian populace and of democracy. This vision fueled his strategy and gave him a sense of purpose larger than him and of life itself.
I am no Pericles, but as I have matured, I have learned how toxic and poisonous any strong emotion can be if unleashed with reckless abandon on your relationships and your life. Things done or said in these moments can have lasting consequences, impacting you and those around you for years to come.
For what it is worth, strive to create a practice that continuously puts you in tune with your feelings, learn to name them and articulate them, feel your feelings in your body, sit with them and force yourself to be made uncomfortable by them. To be numb is to be dead, to feel is to be alive. Look at how your emotions impact others. Do not let your feelings distract you because they are temporary.
When the fog of anger or limerence finally lifts, only you will be left with yourself to pick up the pieces. Act accordingly.
